Stage Fright

I can’t piss standing next to other men. Just can’t do it. I could be almost doubled over in agony, my bladder about to burst into a volcano of alcohol saturated urine, and so long as some other guy is standing near me at a urinal, it’s like I never needed to go in the first place. All of a sudden, I’m just some guy, facing a metal wall, holding his dick.

It’s literally a problem. I’m standing at the urinal, dick in hand, all muscles relaxed, nothing to stem the flow, and nothing comes. There are occasions when the feeling of needing to piss will just go away of it’s own accord. This happens sometimes, but when you’ve drunk seven beers and your holding back the force that’s trying to make you wet your pants and it’s starting to make you sweat, it seems inconceivable that this feeling could just go away. To experience it is almost another wonder of the world. I can explain the pyramids before I can explain this.

A few nights ago I was at a bar and finally realized that I couldn’t hold back any longer. I entered the toilets and found that instead of a long urinal, there was a row of individual porcelain piss troughs – my favourite kind. I chose one down the end, two empty spaces away from the next guy and thanked the stars for my own little piece of piss space. Then, of course, “some guy” stands next to me. I couldn’t piss.

It’s performance anxiety is what it is. I just can’t deal with it. I stood there thinking, “Come on Li, it’s no big deal, you’ve done this a million times, just let the urine flow, let the urine flow, come on,” etc. All the time wondering if the guy next to me has noticed that I’m not really doing anything other than hanging out in a men’s toilet holding my penis. It just makes it worse.

After what felt like an eternity, I noticed that the tiles in front of me at face height were quite reflective and I could see my eyes. I just focused on them and tried to relax and tune out from everything. It actually worked, and I pissed harder and faster, with more torque, far more horsepower and a greater power to weight ratio than any guy there. I almost made a dent in the porcelain. I left the toilet feeling pretty good with myself and was drunk enough to tell all my friends of my accomplishment. The better news was that as I was describing my victory, at least three other guys admitted to the same problem, then had to explain to a few females who didn’t get it the gist of my excitement.

It’s cool not being alone in this. In fact, reading on the internet, I’ve found a support group that actually helps you get over this problem. A bunch of guys drink heaps of water then stand at a urinal for a piss. Another guy will stand well back and gradually move closer until he is touching the pisser. For the final graduation they all go to a public toilet and piss together!

I mean, yeah, essentially it’s toilet training for grown men and it’s not really something you want your enemies to know about you, but, yeah, just knowing other men are willing to humiliate themselves by doing it is therapy enough for me.

Oh Happy New Year btw. My new years resolution is to have sex. I’ll keep you posted. Also my blog is just over a year old, and even though the occasion passed with nary a whisper, I’m actually quite impressed with myself. Apart from eating, sleeping, school and work, I think it’s the longest I’ve kept up anything.

For posterity I will list a few things I’m into right now.

Kate Bush’s new album Aerial. Tantra, pure tantra.
Top Gear. All of a sudden I love cars, go British television.
My new canon printer. Shweet.
Getaway In Stockholm series. Fuckwits endangering peoples lives in the most awe inspiring of ways.
Aeon Flux. The original tv show, not the dumbed-down-for-American Joe movie.
Blackadder. Watched every episode trying to find the line, “Short for Bob”. It’s all Rorschach’s fault.
Complexification. I want wafer thin lcd’s lining the walls of my house, displaying these visuals while I listen to IDM and drink red wine.
Adobe software. Thinking about their CS2 suite helps me urinate while standing next to other men.
And although not wanting to sound gay by using the term “into”, I’ll go with my mate Brad. He’s the only guy I know who can create cool visuals with a sparkler with one hand, hold a VB and an alcoholic slurpy with the other, be chilled out and having an awesome time on the inside, and looking like he wants to kill you for insulting his fiancé on the outside. Good work my friend.